Kamikazes!!!!

I'm on a battleship and I think I''m in Pearl Harbor. I'm a male sailor and I'm standing on deck with my friend, Suzanne, who is also...a male sailor.

The sun is up and it's bright and hot on our skin even though it's early morning. We're standing there talking about getting ready for inspection when we hear the drone of airplanes. We start seeing explosions on ships further out in the bay. We're confused, of course, but especially by the planes. They fly in low over us and we finally realize that they're not ours! They're Jap planes and we're under attack. We both run to the machine gun turret and get it ready. Unfortunately, we've got no ammo there, so we have to go to the armory. We look up and see a Jap plane headed our way. We're screaming at each other to get down the hatch, but as soon as we open it up, the plane slams into the deck. We both die.

I wake up and I open my eyes. It's pitch black and I can't see anything. My arms are down by my side, so I move them up and find that they are blocked by something that feels like plastic or rubber. I push my hands upwards against the plastic and use my fingertips until I feel metal...a zipper? What the hell? I fiddle with the zipper until I'm finally able to pull it down far enough to open whatever the hell this thing is that I'm trapped in. I can hear the "zzzzzzppppppp" sound as I sit up. I feel like a vampire from one of the Friday night Creature Feature movies I used to watch with my dad. I sit up, look around, and I realize that I have just freed myself from a body bag!

I want to puke, but then I hear that sound again ... "zzzzzppppppp".

"What the FUCK??!!!" I'm pretty much hysterical at this point, being a resurrected dead person and all. "What the mother FUCK!!!!"

I look around and see my friend Suzanne doing exactly the same thing I'm doing, which is sitting up after having just freed herself from the confines of a body bag. Only my friend? She's much more calm about the whole thing. She sees me freaking out and she says,

"Lynne, we're dead. Get over it."

Just like that, she tells me to get over it! But then as I sit there with my hands on my hips, ready to go off on her, I realize two things. First, she didn't look like a male sailor anymore - she looked exactly like she does in real life. Second, she was right! So, then I said,

"Fine then! Just fine! Isn't there supposed to be some light or something we're supposed to go towards? Well where the hell is it, Suzanne?" Hey, just because she was right didn't mean I still couldn't be pissed off at my situation!

So she says, "Maybe we have to float up out of this ship and go towards, like, heaven or something." So up we float. We floated out of the room, over the ship, and up into the sky. When we get up into space I saw that there were two lights...one red and one white.

So now I'm all, "Now what, Miss 'Get Over It'? Which light? Red or white?"

Suzanne, being ever the practical one says "White, of course. Everyone knows that in literature red is evil. That," she pointed at the red light "would be the entrace to hell."

Well, because I have no intention of going to hell, I said, "Fine! White it is!", and off I floated...

I got sucked into the white ball of light and suddenly Suzanne and I are standing in the middle of a large hotel conference room. "Are you sure we didn't accidentally end up in hell? This looks like some kind of bizarre presentation set-up. Oh my God! We are in hell! We're going to be trapped at some kind of freaky Amway thing for all of eternity!!"

As I'm freaking out, Suzanne is inspecting the cardboard name tents on all the tables. She finds hers and says, "Hey! Look at this!" So off I go in search of my own. Once I find it, I switch it out with one at Suzanne's table.

"No fucking way I am going through this shit by myself!"